


turtle races and russian roulette

by SleepyFubuki



Series: In This House We Believe In Dageism [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Discord bot shenanigans, M/M, Super DaGe (Discord bot), it's not supposed to make any sense, nothing makes sense but it's ok, russian roulette but no one dies, two weddings take place one after the other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:28:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24475030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleepyFubuki/pseuds/SleepyFubuki
Summary: What better way to win the hand of a gambler than winning a gamble?or: wedding party games gone wild.
Series: In This House We Believe In Dageism [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1767790
Comments: 7
Kudos: 14





	turtle races and russian roulette

**Author's Note:**

> Things that happened in the Jiggypuff's Secret Room server, rewritten as a story because I felt like it. (And all hail Chris for allowing Dage to exist and making this possible! \o/)  
> All characters who appear in this story are based off members of the Jiggypuff server; some female members have been represented as male characters in the story, because BL *cackles*  
> 

Today was a day to remember in Jiggypuffland. The god of the land, Dage, now allowed marriage, so Jingtian and Qieyu, two men who loved each other deeply, had gotten married. This was the happiest moment of their lives.

Their wedding was attended by many of their fellow adventurers, and they were blessed by Kakushigo, the priest. After the main event and the banquet, it was time for the festivities----because, of course, no wedding is complete without some sort of excitement.

"Let's celebrate this wedding by having a..." Haigi, one of the guests, brought out a large tank full of turtles. "Turtle race~"

"Awwww!" Jingtian couldn't help but reach out to pet them. "They're so cute! Hubby, come look at them!"

"Yes, be there in a minute!" Qieyu called, as he put away the congratulatory cookies the guests had given them.

"Everyone pick one, we're going to race them," Haigi instructed, as the guests gathered around. He looked to his friend, Luka, who was sitting on the sidelines. "Hey, Luka! Wanna join? If your turtle wins, you get the entire prize amount! Twenty-five thousand Bodyparts!"

"Winner takes all, hmm?" Luka got up at once. This was something of a gamble, and he loved gambling, especially when it involved money. "You're on. I'll join." Thus he picked a turtle and had it join the

Turtle races were something of a special event in Jiggypuffland, rarely held except during the most special of days. Even the couple themselves had joined the race, each watching eagerly as their chosen turtles crawled over the starting line. In practice, it was every bit as exciting as a horse race----the turtles went all over the place without a care for the ones who had bet on them. Whether or not they could even cross the finishing line was unknown.

Despite all this, one turtle soldiered on towards the finish line, as if it had set its sights on something. It crossed the finish line first.

"Oh, that's the one I picked." Luka came to the finish line to pick his chosen turtle up. "Got lucky, I guess..."

Before he got to the finish line, the champion turtle headed straight for Jingtian's bouquet, which had been left on the same table.

Seeing this, Luka was amused, and couldn't help but blurt out something that, unbeknownst to him at the time, would change his life forever:

"Say, did we just do a turtle race in lieu of a bouquet toss?"

Haigi looked up, a gleeful grin on his features.

" _Yes_."

At that moment, Luka hadn't paid much attention, and had gone on to give the married couple a congratulatory red packet containing six hundred and ninety Bodyparts, because why not. Guys were sometimes immature like that.

"Moving on..." Vivi, another of the guests, had brought out a six-chambered revolver and a few red bullets. "How about a game of Russian roulette? Next five to gather round will be in the game."

"Yeah, let's do it!" Haigi stepped up, dragging along his friend Jaytee this time.

"Whoa, whoa, we're really going wild with the celebrations, huh," Jaytee chuckled nervously.

"If I won the turtle race, what about the one who wins Russian roulette?" Luka asked, already joining the game.

"That's the person you're marrying," Kakushigo suggested, quietly taking the fifth spot.

"Are we going to use real bullets for this?" Star wondered, taking the sixth and last spot in the ring.

"Of course not, we're at a wedding," Vivi told him, loading a bullet into one of the chambers. She locked the barrel in place and spun it. "Won't want the next event to be a funeral, you know? These bullets are fakes, they'll just spray a bit of red paint when you shoot them."

Amazingly, Kakushigo was the first one to be offed. Which also happened to prove that all those talks of priests being holier than the average person, or being protected by their God, was bullshit. They were just as likely as any other man to get hit.

Next were Haigi and Jaytee, the two going down one after another in rapid succession.

"Who's left?" Luka looked around him. "Ah. It's down to Vivi, Star, and myself." He grinned at Star, who was a fellow regular at the casino he frequented. "Let's see which of us goes down first, hmm?"

"Welp, at least we went out with a _bang_ ," Jaytee laughed, wiping the red paint splatters off his right temple.

"Bang," Star said jokingly, holding the revolver up to his head.

_BANG._

"Well, that's that," Star said flippantly, with a shrug.

At this point, only Luka and Vivi were left. It was also precisely in this moment, as Vivi spun the barrel for the fifth time and pointed the revolver at her head, that he realised something very wrong with the situation.

Why was _he_ in this roulette, if the purpose had been to decide who would get to marry him? What if?? He ended up winning this??? His luck as a gambler wasn't just for show-

_Click._

"Wait." Luka held up his hands in a defensive gesture. "Why did I join this roulette-"

"Oh, we're waiting," Haigi interrupted cheekily. "Go on, press the trigger."

Vivi pressed the revolver into his hand. Heaving a great sigh, Luka raised it to his neck, pressing the trigger and waiting for the red paint to splatter on him.

_Click._

Oh, no, no, no. This was not happening. This was NOT happening. It couldn't be. No. No way. As he passed the revolver back to Vivi, he became visibly disturbed. If...If, somehow, on the off-chance that he somehow won this, wouldn't that mean...

"IF I WIN THIS, I HAVE TO MARRY MYSELF?!" he exclaimed, just as Vivi raised the revolver. "I-"

_BANG._

Luka stared in horror at the red splotch on Vivi's right temple.

Vivi had lost, so that left only him, which made him the winner of this game of Russian roulette. He had won.

"WHAT?" Luka was incredulous. "No, seriously, WHAT??"

"Do it! Do it! Do it~" Jaytee cheered.

"How do I even marry myself?!" the gambler groaned, facepalming. "Is that even possible?"

"Just try it," Vivi suggested, carefully wiping her face down.

Marrying oneself was not allowed, period. Dage simply did not allow such a thing. Kakushigo tried as well, on account of his being a priest of Dage, but it had no effect.

"Okay, you know what..." Luka put the revolver on the table. "Let's have a second round of Russian roulette, I ain't joining this time."

This time, Anon initiated the game, with Jaytee, Vivi, and Kakushigo joining in as repeat players. Interestingly, the newly married couple decided to join, despite Luka's objections ("You do realise I'm marrying you if you win, right?"). Oh, well, what's a gamble without any thrills.

This time, Vivi was the first to go, closely followed by Anon. Either fate had something against the ones who initiated Russian roulette games, or they were just plain unlucky. Meanwhile, as with the previous round, Jaytee was the third one to get eliminated.

Which left the newlyweds and the priest, the three most unlikely candidates for marriage.

"Like I said..." Luka pinched his forehead in exasperation. "Why is a married person in the roulette?"

"What, we can't?" Jingtian giggled.

Perhaps the heavens had been watching, because the next one to be eliminated after Jaytee was Qieyu. Now it was down to Jingtian and Kakushigo.

By now, Luka had given up on watching, and was now watching the turtle eat flowers off the bouquet. At least _that_ had no repercussions.

"After you, Father." Jingtian motioned for Kakushigo to go first.

Click. Click. Click. Click. Click.

BANG.

Luka looked up from where he was sitting.

"I guess this is my loss," Jingtian remarked, touching the red paint on his cheek. With his paint-stained hand, he made a big show of gesturing to Kakushigo. "And the mighty priest wins!"

Oh.

"What was the agreement again?" Vivi asked.

"Luka's marrying the priest."

"Congratulations!" Haigi whooped, throwing a handful of confetti in the air. "Luka's getting married to Kakushigo~"

"Wha...?" Luka was confused. He turned to Kakushigo. "Father, aren't priests supposed to be unable to marry?"

"Not under Dageism, no," the priest himself assured. "Dageist priests are allowed to marry."

This was the first time he was hearing any of it. Priests, being allowed to marry???? Since when???? Dageism sure was strange...

"When's the wedding?" Jaytee asked, throwing an arm around Luka's shoulder. "Now?"

"NO! I mean, no, not now..." Luka took a step back, detaching himself from Jaytee. "Hol' on a mo, You really expect me to get married just because someone won a game of Russian-"

"Luka."

He looked down. Kakushigo was kneeling before him, holding his hand tenderly.

"Will you marry me?"

\----oh, fuckin' hell, might as well.

"Yeah," he replied, trying not to think about how he was suddenly able to hear his own heart running wild. "Sure. Why not. I'll do it."

Nothing happened, unlike what he had heard about Jingtian and Qieyu's moment of union.

"Is that not a valid answer?" Luka frowned.

"You have to say 'yes'," Jingtian whispered helpfully.

"Oh, okay." Luka nodded, for good measure. "Yes."

The next moment, he and Kakushigo were dressed in similar clothes to the newly-married couple's.

"What is..." Luka held his arms up. "What the...?"

"You're married~" Qieyu clapped them on the shoulders. "Just like us! Time to give the red packets~"

"Yeah!" Haigi pulled out more cookies from his pocket----heavens knew where the hell he got those cookies from. "This is for you~ Congratulations on getting married!" Everyone else followed suit, giving them cookies just as they'd done for the first couple.

After a while, one of Haigi's friends, Annie, arrived. She had originally meant to attend Jingtian and Qieyu's wedding, but Haigi had informed her on the way that Luka had gotten married, too.

"Oh...?" Noticing Haigi, she ran over to him to give cookies, then gave some to Luka as well. "Congratulations, both of you!"

"Huh?" Haigi tilted his head in confusion as he pushed the cookies back. "Annie, I didn't marry Luka, though."

"But I heard Luka was getting married..." Annie looked between the two, equally confused. "Then who married Luka?"

"Kakushigo." Haigi pulled the man of the hour over.

"Oh!" Annie gave the cookies to the recently married priest. "Congratulations~ Sorry for the mix-up, I thought Haigi was..."

"Haigi is our child," Luka suddenly blurted out. "Children can get red packets too."

He had said that on a whim, just to save some face for Annie, but Haigi seemed very pleased with the idea.

"I was adopted!" Haigi immediately sidled up to join his new parents. "Kaku is my father, because he's Father, and Luka is the mother."

" _WHAT._ " Luka looked like he was about to spew blood. 

"Heh." Qieyu wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. "Good job, Kaku."

"I promise to take care of my wife and child," Kakushigo said solemnly.

And thus the three of them lived happily ever after in Jiggypuffland.

~The End~

**Author's Note:**

> Trying to finish stories at 3am is not a good idea...  
> welp, at least I got this out. :'D


End file.
